#GOALS: let's get this year started the right way

Here we go again. January, the dawn of a new year and traditionally a time when we can’t hear our own thoughts for the cacophony of messages about total transformation and pressure to create new versions of ourselves. Some people make New Year resolutions, others set goals for the year and some shun this notion all together. As with everything personal preference is key - after all - we can all live perfectly normal lives without setting goals. 

But life is a series of choices and decisions and if we don’t set out knowing where we are going then it’s possible we might not like where we end up. If we set a goal then we set a direction of travel. We know where to put our time and our energy. We make choices aligned with outcomes that we want. I like to think of it as being on a raft on the river of life. You are free to drift wherever the water takes you, or you can put your arms in the water and steer your journey.

The very word ‘goal’ can be off-putting for some people. An easy way to tune into your goals is to ask yourself these simple questions and just get everything that comes to mind on paper:

• What do you want more of in your life?

• What do you want less of in your life?

• What do you want to be, have, do?

• What do you want to make happen?

Now review what you’ve written. What really stands out to you? What matters? What would you be gutted about if it didn’t happen? That there is probably a really good goal to go for. For extra motivation get really clear on your ‘why’ - why this goal matters and why it matters now. 

Why we want our goals is totally unique to us. A pay-rise may mean self-esteem and validation, or it could mean security, a holiday or getting married. Once we understand WHY we want our goals, and why we want our goals NOW, it's easier to focus, go the "extra mile" and find that extra energy to put into our goals.

 Try this simple exercise to find your why

Write down your goal. Note next to it how motivated you feel to achieve it out of 10

Now to get the most out of this exercise you need to be totally honest with yourself and shake off any self-judgement. There are no right or wrong answers - we are trying to get to your driving why. Write whatever pops into your head - however silly or boring or uncomfortable it might seem.

Why do you want this goal? What does it give you? Write your answer down. Now keep going. Each time you write an answer ask yourself the same question again - keep digging, and it’s OK if you find this hard. It is meant to be.

 Why do you want that? What does it give you?

Why do you want that? What does it give you?

Why do you want that? What does it give you?

Why do you want that? What does it give you?

 How will achieving this goal leave me feeling?

Now you understand why you want your goal and how you want to feel. But to be really motivated, you need to be clear on one final question, "Why do you want this goal now?" What circumstances in your life make this goal important to you now? Why not next year?

 How motivated are you now to achieve this goal out of ten (if less than 8 then it is probably not the right goal for you…)

 Making your goals work for you

Not all goals are created equal. How we set them really matters.

Make them positive. So often we focus on what it is we don’t want rather than what we do anand as the saying goes energy flows where energy goes so if we are focused on the negative then it is hard to get motivated 

It’s why people often struggle with weight loss goals as they are asking their brain to want to do something that generally is bad…..lose something! It’s a negative request. And you can see very different results when you change the language into a positive goal e.g. feel amazing in my red dress or get fit enough to run that 5k without stopping or be able to keep up with my children 

Make them specific.  We need to know when we’ve achieved a goal. I hear people talk about having a goal to become more confident. What does it mean to be more confident? What will it give us? More confident than what? Get clear on the ACTUAL goal and you are far more likely to succeed e.g. 

I speak at the conference confidently 

I am confident at the hen party

I confidently chat to other mums at pick up 

Or it might not be about the confidence at all…….I launch my business 

Make them real. Don’ internalise the goal -accountability is key. It can be being accountable to yourself (write your goals down and you are 42% more likely to achieve them) or sharing your goal with someone else (now you are 78% more likely to make it happen)

Make a plan. A goal tells us where we are headed. A plan shows us how we'll get there. Break down the goal into specific actions you need to take and put dates against each one. What do you need to do and by when? Make the steps as small and achievable as possible, chunk it right down. That way you’ll feel motivated to keep going. 

Staying on track

Everyone is different but a goal planner can be a great way to keep yourself on track and celebrating the steps along the way. You might also like to consider an accountability partner - a friend, family member or even coach to keep you going even when it gets tough. And having a visual reminder of where you are headed can be motivating - some people like to create vision boards for this or put a quote somewhere they can see it daily.

Being aware of trip-hazards

Goals take work and effort. We have to show up and do stuff to make them happen and experience shows that if we are aiming for something based on other people’s stuff rather than our own intrinsic motivation then we tend to fall over along the way. The best goals are authentic, positive ones that are driven by you and that will have a positive effect on you. They are not driven by ego or how you will be perceived by others. An ego goal might be to get to certain dress size because you see everyone looking at way on Insta. And so you exercise with that goal in mind. But unless YOU really care about that, authentically, you may struggle to see it through. Perhaps your authentic self wants to move to feel the mental freedom it gives you and to be a strong role model for your children. So setting a goal around consistency rather than aesthetics may be more motivating to you.

Whether you achieve a goal you set is all down to the plan that you make to get there. So many people focus on the goal but don’t put the same energy into working out the actions. What needs to happen in order to get there? What and who do you need? What might get in your way? How will you reset if you have a set back. These are the details that will make all the difference.

After all, a goal without a plan is just a wish!

How to detox your relationships

It’s official. The world has gone Kondo-Krazy. All around me people are acknowledging that too much stuff is filling up their life and draining their energy.

They are getting rid of belongings that no longer give them joy and finding a place for everything that matters to them. Which is wonderful.

But it is not just belongings that can weigh us down. Juggling too much, not saying no enough, doing things because we think we ‘should’, constantly comparing ourselves to others, these things also deprive us of joy.

So go ahead and finish spring-cleaning your house. Then perhaps turn your attention to your life as a whole - that deserves a spring-clean too.

You’ve probably heard the expression ‘‘radiators and drains” before, referring to things or people that either give energy or take it from us. But how consciously do you acknowledge these energy zappers and creators and more importantly try to reduce the ones that drain you?

There are physical drains (lack of sleep, too much screen time, aches and pains for instance) mental drains (like the never-ending to do lists, juggling time and priorities, procrastination etc) and emotional drains (hello worry, conflict, guilt, anger and more). And you can create more energy, space (and yes, joy) in your life by tackling any or all of these zappers. In fact I often help clients declutter their mental overload, overcome procrastination or clear out limiting beliefs.....and then watch them float or bounce out of the door, visibly lighter.

But one of the most powerful, and hardest, things we can do to spring-clean our lives is to take a good look at our relationships - the people we hang out with.

Who we spend our time with has a significant impact on us. Some relationships uplift and inspire us and others are downright draining. I’m sure you can think of examples of both right now. Obviously we all go through times in our lives when we need to take more than we give in a relationship but when this becomes the norm, when this is taken for granted and energy isn’t reciprocated then this can quickly become a toxic relationship.

I thought I’d share a really simple but great coaching tool, one that helps us review our relationships - including partners, colleagues, friends and family – and make conscious, empowering choices that leave us feeling better about ourselves and happier in our lives. Grab a cuppa or glass of wine and have a go.....

Detox your relationships

Take a piece of paper and list out the 20 people you spend the most time with Next I want you to give everyone a score (yes I know this feels weird) by asking yourself “how do I usually feel after spending time with this person?”. Score on a scale of +5 to -5 where + leaves you feeling great (radiator) and - leaves you feeling somehow less (drain)

Done? Great. What do you notice about the scores? Are there any surprises? What are the scores for the people you spend most of your time with? Are you spending more time with the radiators or the drains? What other things do you notice?

Now for action (you know me....always asking you to DO something!)

Radiators first: how could you spend more time with those who score highly for you? How can you nurture and care for these relationships? If you don’t have any high scoring radiators on your list then who can you think of who could join your circle? How else could you find and develop these relationships?

Now the drains: on paper these are people to try to spend less time with but relationships are complex things and any healthy one has rough patches so I’m not asking you to just discard everyone on this list! Can you understand why this relationship drains you? Is there something that needs to be said? An issue that needs to be resolved? Are they using you for something or taking you for granted? Do they always seem to put you down or try to keep you small? Or perhaps you have both changed and you’ve outgrown each other? Who do you need to spend less time with or let go of completely?

For those drains you still want or need to have in your life what can you do to change how you spend time with them? What would protect your energy and ensure you still feel good after being with them?

Lastly, looking at this list - which are your most treasured and precious relationships? What do you want to do to spend more time with these people, to protect and nurture what you have?

This exercise can feel very difficult - particularly where we decide we need to let go. But your resources are limited. Your energy and time is not endless. We have to

accept that we can only change our own behaviour, not that of others. So it is down to us to decide how we might behave or spend time differently with people to take care of the relationships that also take care of us. It’s called being responsibly selfish and it’s a great skill to hone.

And don’t worry, people reacting to us differently or us seeing them differently is all a normal part of our growth and it’s OK to let people move on and out of our lives, to be thankful for the role they have played.

So there you go, time to go all Konmari crazy on your relationships. Good luck and I’d love to hear how you get on.

Emma x

PS It’s recommended you destroy this list once you have reflected upon it and made your plan. Otherwise there is a risk that it falls into the wrong hands and then it’ll end up like THAT episode of Friends with Rachel and Ross and no one wants that.......

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Why you should say NO to diets

A guest blog by Ela Law

It’s that time of year again where we get bombarded with messages that suggest we need to become healthier, happier, slimmer and cleansed (and better people in the process). The diet industry loves Christmas (and after last year, seems to be quite fond of lockdown as well), because it can tap into our insecurities about our bodies, our weight and our health, and sell us their solution to all our problems. 

The real problem is, though, that these suggestions rarely give us what they promise. Weight-loss is an elusive goal that hardly anyone can achieve long term. It is well established in research (and people’s own experiences will testify to this) that 95%+ of weight loss diets don’t actually result in longer term weight loss and often lead to actual weight gain, alongside a myriad of physical and psychological problems. 

Diet culture is very sneaky: it has hijacked terms that are not as obvious as ‘diet’ and ‘weight-loss’. So even if you think you will never go on a diet again because you know they don’t work (high five!!), you may be tempted by a detox or cleanse, or a meal plan that helps you be ‘healthier’. Unfortunately, all of these things are still diets, just with a different name that the diet industry has adopted to be more ‘en vogue’ and going along with the current wellness hype. Anything that tells you what and how and when to eat, asks you to cut stuff out or supplement, makes you restrict your food intake – it’s a diet. And as for cleanses and detoxes: you can get those for free: your liver and kidneys do this perfectly well, and you can’t actually detoxify your body by drinking expensive teas/shakes/waters anyway. 

What actually is ‘diet culture’? 

If you haven’t come across this term before, Christy Harrison describes this perfectly as ‘..a system of beliefs that worships certain body shapes and equates thinness with health and moral virtue’. This system makes you feel ashamed or guilty for not fitting into an ideal body, and it applauds anyone striving to shrink or shape their body to match this ‘ideal’. It promotes weight loss as a morally superior goal which will give you higher social, moral and economic status. It is actually a pretty oppressive system in the way it discriminates against people who don’t fit the prescribed ‘norm’. 

So, what can you do to ignore these messages and protect yourself against their persuasive lure?

Here are 4 tips to build some resilience:

• Check your social media feed as well as what you read in magazines and what you watch on TV for diet culture messages. You will be surprised how many meal plan diets, supplements adverts, slim bodies advertising products and fat-shaming language you will find. Be brave and unfollow, call out, get angry, or simply ignore!

• Educate yourself! There are some amazing resources out there to learn about intuitive eating and for learning to develop a peaceful relationship with food and your body. A good starting point is reading books such as ‘Anti-Diet’ by Christy Harrison, ‘Just Eat It’ by Laura Thomas or ‘Intuitive Eating’ by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, as well as ‘Body Respect’ by Lindo Bacon. There are some great podcasts like ‘Redefining health and wellness’ by Shohreh Davoodi, ‘Food Psych’ by Christy Harrison, or ‘Food Heaven’ by Jessica Jones and Wendy Lopez. Follow @diets_dont_work_haes, @evelyntribole, @emmafitnessphd or @laraslosingit (and me ☺ @elalawnutrition) on Instagram. There are loads of resources and supportive communities out there!

• Reflect on how dieting has interfered with your own life in the past (Has it impacted relationships with partners/family/friends? Has it given you anxiety, low moods, depression? Has it made you obsess about food or calories? Has it made you feel tired or even made you ill?) Consider whether you are willing to accept these consequences just so you can shrink your body.

• Reframe negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your body. Write down a list of any recurring thoughts. Consider if you would say these things to your friends. If the answer is no, don’t say them to yourself. Next to each statement write down a positive version (e.g. if your negative thought is ‘I am weak because I let myself go’ you could reframe that by ‘I have been through a lot, and have come through it so I am stronger than I thought. My body has changed, which is something all bodies do. It still serves me by … (fill in what your body does for you every day).

Only if we try and break the hold diet culture has over us, and if we see that what it truly stands for is discrimination, greed and false promises, can we make sure every body gets the respect, care and kindness it deserves. 

Ela Law is a Nutritionist (ANutr), Certified Intuitive Eating Counsellor and Baby-led Weaning Specialist.

Her approach is aligned with the HAES® movement, which is inclusive of all body sizes and challenges social structures that discriminate against people based on social and cultural characteristics. She uses the principles of Intuitive Eating to guide clients away from the pitfalls of diet culture and help them make peace with food, reject diet mentality thinking and develop a new understanding of their bodies and needs. Her sessions with clients can be online or face-to-face (Sevenoaks and Bexley), and she has an online course on baby-led weaning.

For more information visit www.elalawnutrition.co.uk and follow her on Facebook or Instagram.

Working from home? 5 tips to improve productivity in the home office

So you’re working from home now and zoom or teams is the new office. Here are 5 slightly unusual tips to help increase productivity in your home office

1. Break the phone habit

Find yourself absent-mindedly reaching for your smartphone when you should be concentrating. Pop an elastic band or hairband around. Having to move the band to get into the phone will interrupt your auto-pilot and make you consider whether you need to do this.

2.Hold your tongue

In an online meeting supposedly listening to someone but find your brain racing off to create your reply or listening to the children fight over the ipad? Our inner voice quietens when our tongue can’t move. Put your tongue firmly behind your top teeth and hold it there….you will find it easier to listen. Trust me - weird but it works.

3.Concentration boost

Got an important document to write to a deadline to meet and find your mind wandering? Try playing Brainwaves music whilst you work - scientifically proven to improve your focus and it won’t interrupt your thoughts with lyrics or radio chit chat. There are lots to choose from - try these

4.Step away from the inbox

It may seem a good idea to start the day by replying to or sending emails, a nice easy task over a coffee. But that way you start the day by inviting more dialogue into your day which can often derail time meant for a focused task. Try working on your most important task first thing and save the emails for later (more time management tips here

5. Come out from under the desk

Sick of crawling round under your desk trying to retrieve the laptop cable that wriggles away every time you unplug it? Grab a humble bulldog clip , wrap the cable through the handles and clip it to your desk to keep it where you need it.

What are your favourite tips for making home office life easier? Go on, spill, I’d love to hear them!

How to make working from home work

Are you looking for a work life balance whilst working from home? Then stop.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Work Life Balance. A concept that many of us seem to be chasing and yet few feel they manage to achieve. A concept that is also so closely aligned to flexible working. As I reflect over the many clients that have come struggling with the issue of balance I notice that many of them deemed it a myth. That after years of struggling to achieve it they simply believed that it did not exist. A theory which I challenged with each of them. Because I believe that we have simply been looking in the wrong places and for the wrong thing. And suddenly millions of people who used to go to a place of work are trying to make it work from the home and all that it brings.

Work life balance

The term itself is hugely misleading.

First of all it bemuses me that we can distinguish work from life? That we can see it as separate. Surely we are all building and living lives and a part of this rich, colourful, crazy rollercoaster ride are our work choices. To suggest even for one moment that work is not a part of life, of living, is part of the problem. It starts to set markers in our brains perhaps that whilst we are working we are not living. That we are missing out. That we need to get back to the real stuff. That we should be somewhere else. When actually we can meet wonderful people, experience things that excite and stretch us and feel accomplishment, pride and a sense of purpose if we make the right choices.

The second deception is the notion of balance. A word that conjures up thoughts of equilibrium, of fairness, of equal amounts. Perhaps our subconscious mind sees a seesaw or weighing scales, perfectly balanced with equal amounts of work stuff on one side and life stuff on the other. Or perhaps we see very separate buckets of tasks and experiences that never mix or run into each other, perfectly contained. No wonder we feel so far away from this utopia when we compare it to real life. And yet if we change the language a little and tweak the mental imagery then we can quite quickly feel differently about what we are already achieving.

Blending

Because surely this is not about balance. It is about integrating all the different aspects of our life. Blending the parts in a way that serves us. Being agile with our time so that we give and get the best out of it whether we are at home or in a workplace. 

For me this concept of blending does three things. 

It accepts that there will be movement. That sometimes work will need more of our time and other times family or friends will and that is natural. That we can adapt to these peaks and troughs without feeling guilty or as if we are failing because they are not equal. 

It allows us to stop compartmentalising and gives us permission to see the whole picture. To blur the edges between our different roles in order to make the best of the time we have. All too often we see shaming of the parent standing in the park on their phone whilst their child plays. But if they are able to be in the park enjoying time together, or make the school sports day, rather than tied up in a meeting ’til 6pm then is that 10 minute call not a great example of blending?

Stop compartmentalising

Personally, I choose to work whilst I’m at the hairdressers. If I apply the old thinking of work life balance then I could argue that not being able to just have that as me time is work getting in the way of life. But when I think of it as blending, there is no compromise, just a great way to satisfy two parts of my life together – win win! And if you don’t like this term then Jeff Bezos has another option for you. He refers to work-life harmony saying “I prefer the word ‘harmony’ to the word ‘balance’ because balance tends to imply a strict tradeoff.”

I also remind clients that at the end of the day this all comes down to choices. What we are looking to achieve (inherent in the original term) is a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment in our lives. A sense that we have used our time well and that we have prioritised the people and things that are important to us. Many of us can be blinkered when it comes to recognising the choices that we are already making. How often I hear a client bemoan the fact that evenings are spent on the laptop forgetting the choice they made to be there for after school time with the kids. If both working and that family time are important then they have blended beautifully and used their time cleverly. The fall-guy becomes the evening you didn’t get watching TV on the sofa. Back to choices. What do you want and how can you use your time to get it?

Things to check

If you’re reading this and still not feeling that you’re close to where you want to be then its worth a quick check in on the following:

• Have you actually identified how you want to be spending your time, intentionally and on purpose? Doing this allows you to start making more conscious choices and creating boundaries. Plus if you know what you are striving for then you’ll know when you achieve it!

• Are you using the time you do have wisely or are you getting distracted (social media rabbit hole anyone?!) or interrupted (WhatsApps and emails are a killer for this). Being honest about the focus you apply to different pockets of time can gain you masses back to play with

• How much of your guilt or dissatisfaction comes from the stories your inner voice is telling you? Do you need to change the self-talk and give yourself a break?

• How good are you at saying no? Each of us have 24 hours in a day. The people who seem to have it nailed are usually the ones who have worked out that every time you say yes to someone else you are essentially saying no to yourself so be purposeful about where you commit your time 

• Have you accepted life is chaotic, messy, inconsiderate, unpredictable and demanding much of the time. Or are you still waiting for it all calm down to be happy? Embracing the crazy is a huge step towards the inner calm we ultimately seek 

And finally, as you continue the wonderful juggle that we call life, I want to leave you with one of my favourite concepts, courtesy of Gary Keller

Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls – family, health, friends, integrity – are made of glass. If you drop one of these it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered”

So there we go, back to not all things being equal again. 

Happy blending – it really is possible. And in 2021 it is crucial! And if you’re still struggling just drop me a line here and we can chat about how I can help make it work for you

50 reasons you need a coach

Coaching is a time and space for thinking, for reflection, for action and ultimately for change.

What that change looks like is completely up to you but your coach will work with you to get clear on what that looks like for you, understand how to get there and what might get in the way and keep you accountable to make sure that the change that you want really happens!

It’s a personal journey and no two clients of mine have the same journey but here are just 50 reasons* you might choose to work with a coach.



*there are many many more but you are busy people so I thought I would stop here ;-)

1. You feel stuck

2. You don’t like your job

3. You want a promotion

4. You are at a crossroads

5. You want to feel more confident

6. You feel unmotivated

7. You don’t know what you want

8. You are overwhelmed by your thoughts

9. You can’t think clearly

10. You want to make something happen but don’t know where to start

11. You want to make an important decision

12. You want to stop self sabotaging

13. You find yourself lacking accountability

14. You are procrastinating

15. You want to move forward

16. You are stuck in relationship patterns that do not serve you

17. You are stuck in negative thought patterns

18. You have an unhelpful inner voice that is holding you back

19. You have low self esteem or self belief

20. You want to start a business

21. You want to do something that scares you

22. You are stuck in behavioural patterns that do not serve you

23. You want to grow your business

24. You constantly compare yourself to others

25. You do not feel you are enough

26. You worry about what other people think of you

27. You have beliefs that no longer serve you

28. You feel you have tried everything and still not got the result you wanted

29. You struggle to use time productively

30. You feel lost

31. You lack a sense of purpose

32. You need to have a difficult conversation

33. You want to think about something differently

34. You want to work on your mindset

35. You want to have time that is wholly focused on you, your goals and needs

36. You are curious about yourself

37. You lack boundaries and find it hard to say no

38. You want to understand and live into your values

39. You want to develop your leadership skills

40. You want to work on your emotional intelligence

41. You want better balance in your life

42. You want to prioritise yourself

43. You want to develop your management skills

44. You want to learn to accept and love yourself

45. You want to stop catastrophising

46. You want to live mindfully in the moment

47. You want to develop your emotional control

48. You want to stop complaining and do something about it

49. You want to be in the driving seat of your life

50. You want to make changes

If any of these resonate with you then feel free to get in touch. Always happy to open my zoom room for an informal chat over a coffee to see what is going on for you and see if I can help.

COVID Career Change - FAQ

Never before have we seen such global uncertainty and volatility so worries around security, employment and the future are to be expected. Here are some of the most common concerns I’m seeing amongst my clients:

“I can’t help but worry that furlough was a reflection on my performance” 

With not all staff being furloughed and lots of time to think the whole process can feel a little threatening to job security for some. It’s important to retain a sense of perspective. This is a global crisis and required many drastic actions to try to keep both lives and businesses safe. I’ve encouraged clients to write a list of all their professional achievements, positive feedback and strengths as a way to reconnect with the reality of who they are and what they are capable of. To focus on their competence as they return to work and lean into the fact that it may take a while for their full confidence to return. Communication is key here too - ask for a return to work meeting and be honest about what is on your mind. 

“I don’t want to return to normal”

Lockdown and furlough have been an enforced pause. And a pause can be so powerful (I'm sure we can all remember an English or Drama teacher telling us that!). In that space, that pause, lies the power to choose and the power to change. So before you head back to work take the time to assess what you want to change going forward. Perhaps this is a time to focus on your work/life balance, perhaps you want to be more ambitious, perhaps you even want to grasp new opportunities. This is your chance to be intentional about what you want to take out of this situation as positive learning to make the future even better. I’ve been coaching clients to get clear on their personal plan for this.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

“I’ve been made redundant and don’t know if I’ll get another job"

Redundancy is hard and can feel very personal but these are unprecedented times and companies are having to make very difficult decisions. The most powerful thing you can do in this situation is to exercise optimism. To create a mindset full of hope and possibilities as that way we see all of our options more clearly but also we do not let this one event cloud every aspect of our life. 

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Here’s a brilliant emotional intelligence exercise you can try using the TIE model. Think about a current situation where you might be feeling stuck or frustrated or you might feel like there are no real options for you. Now reaffirm these three things about your situation:⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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T: Temporary. This situation will pass. Can you imagine how your life will look and how you will feel when it does?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I: Isolated. This is an isolated event that is only one part of your life. What other part of your life is going relatively well?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
E: Effort. With effort, you can change parts of this situation. What of this situation is in your control? What are some options for helping yourself?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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How does the situation look and feel now? Can you see a different way forward? I offer online coaching sessions to focus on how to move forward and maintain confidence if you find yourself in this position and feeling stuck.

“I’m finding it hard to focus now I’m back at work”

Many of my coaching clients are struggling with this. It’s likely you’ve had to create a new routine whilst furloughed and the thought of trying to get back to full work days (especially with the added pressure of homeschooling and/or working from home)  can be very daunting. Clients find working on these three areas very effective in rediscovering that focus:

Environment: Make sure you are set up in space to work with the minimum of distractions and all the things you need close to hand. By moving to a dedicated space you can create the sense of heading off to work even if this is the dining room table. Why not even treat yourself to some new home office essentials?

Planning: It may feel like there is a lot to catch up on so invest the time to think about what it is you want to achieve each week and then each day and commit just to that. By having a clear action plan to tick off you will reduce the mental overload that can result in us freezing and not knowing where to start

Time blocking: Look at your day and map out exactly what you will do in each hour or allocated length of time. Now do your best to stick to that. Add in breaks and notice if you are over or underestimating how long things take as then you can adjust accordingly. If you really struggle then google the Pomodoro technique and give that a whirl - it’s a great way to increase focus and productivity 

I’m here to help whatever your question so please drop me a line if you recognise any of these situations

How coaching works

You know that saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks"? Not technically true. In fact that is the brilliant thing about the human brain….they are highly plastic and therefore able to (indeed designed to) change and grow with us and our experiences.

Our brains are most plastic when we are children. We are constantly being exposed to new information and experiences and as a result we  are able learn, adapt and change very easily. 

This process is called neuroplasticity and whilst as we age the brain loses a little of its plasticity the main reason change doesn’t come as easily to us as adults is that we become more fixed in how we think!

Imagine you are in the woods, on a familiar walk, when you take a new pathway, somewhere you haven’t walked before. The first time you walk it you are experiencing something completely new. You’ll notice things about it because it is different. It might feel a bit strange. You will consciously walk that path and will have added a new option to your routes, expanded your options.

That is what is happening when we think a new thought or experience something new. We literally create a new neural pathway in our brain, one that wasn’t there before.

Now if we continue to walk that new pathway every day in the forest, over time it will no longer feel new or different. We will create a new way of walking through, one that we walk on autopilot, without even having out think about it.

The same with our brains. With every repetition of a thought or emotion, we reinforce a neural pathway, strengthen it and create a new way of being. Neuroplasticity is the ‘muscle building’ part of our brain. The things we think or do often we become stronger at. In fact the more we repeat a thought or an action, the sooner it becomes automatic, our autopilot, a part of us. 

We literally become what we think and do.

Which is why in life coaching you’ll work with your coach to look at which thoughts and actions are serving you. And which need to be reprogrammed to help you achieve your goals or create a more supportive and positive mindset.

In life coaching sessions I’ve seen clients realise for the first time that the reason they see themselves a certain way is because they’ve said it on repeat to themselves for 30 odd years. They’ve strengthened this thought so much that they have never even thought to question it.

Life coaching can help you identify where you have limited yourself, where you have got in your own way, where you could choose to expand your mind. And like choosing the new path in the forest, these changes can feel a bit strange, a bit difficult but working with a life coach like me, over time they will become second nature. You will literally become the change you wanted to see.

So whether you want to feel more confident, make a brave decision, change career, make relationship changes, work on your mindset or launch a business…… the change starts in your amazing brain. And EVERYONE can change - at any age - it is always possible. Thanks to the neuroplasticity of your brain. 

Emma is a life coach based in Tunbridge Wells.

How coaching can help you

I don’t need a coach. 

Someone said this to me recently and I was genuinely surprised. Because honestly, at some point in their lives EVERYONE can benefit from coaching. 

I think perhaps some people hold the view that you have to be stuck or broken to approach a coach. That it is about needing help, having problems and not being able to do things for yourself? It can be but the reality is that coaching is about so much more than that. 

Here are five things that coaching provides which I believe everyone benefits from:

Time and space

How often do you stop and prioritise time and headspace to focus on yourself? On what you want, either personally or for your business? To reflect on where you are and where you want to go next? The coaching environment is one focused entirely on you. It is a time to shut out the noise from the outside world and concentrate 100% on yourself. With a coach who is also only focussed on you and your agenda.

Focus and clarity 

Some of my clients talk about my ability to unravel their spaghetti brain. To recognise that they have hundreds of thoughts, fears, goals, dreams, beliefs and feelings all jumbled up and contributing to a sense of overwhelm and inertia. Working with a coach helps you find clarity. To zone in on what it is you really want to make happen and to see what is currently stopping you. And with clarity comes relief and a lightness as you can see what needs your attention and what you can put to one side for now. As I often point out to clients - you have the answers you need already but a coach can help you pinpoint and hear them clearly.

Recognising and overcoming obstacles 

It Is human nature that when things feel hard we don’t run towards them. Imagine if you were asked to speak in public and the idea terrified you. It would be much easier to just say no and run away from that opportunity than decide to try to understand what it is about public speaking that creates these feelings and work to overcome this fear. Working with a coach is a great way to have someone hold you gently in a place that might feel a little uncomfortable to begin with in order to overcome any obstacles that might be holding you back and limiting you. And as a coach I have many different tools and techniques I can use to do this including NLP, emotional intelligence work, reframing and good old fashioned questioning. It is a very safe space to be honest with yourself about the mental and physical barriers that get in your way (perhaps discovering some together you didn’t even realise were there!) and then working together to remove those limits once and for all.

Being accountable and staying on track 

Of course we all make promises to ourselves all the time about things we are going to do but how often do you break this promise to yourself? I’m guilty as charged! Life gets in the way or it feels too hard so we make excuses and another week passes by with these things remaining undone. Working with a coach is a brilliant way to prioritise yourself and stay accountable. Knowing that you have committed to making something happen to someone who only wants the best for you really focuses the mind and creates action. Especially when you know if you don’t get it done there will be some hard questions to answer from your lovely coach! 

Safely challenging yourself 

Often the most exciting things in life come with an element of challenge and risk. The coaching space gives you a safe space to explore this and someone to support you as you stretch beyond your natural comfort zone. Approaching things with a growth mindset where every experience provides an opportunity to learn, this aspect of coaching can leave you feeling invincible. The power of someone believing in you unconditionally and helping you to believe in yourself is immense. 

These 5 reasons you should consider coaching are precisely why I, as a coach, have a coach too. Because yes, growth comes from within us, but a coach provides the space, tools and expertise to access that growth more easily. And who wouldn’t want that. 

Emma Jefferys. Life coach and business coach Tunbridge Wells.

GUEST BLOG: Why movement is your super power to achieving great things

By Carole Dowling, Founder of The Enjoy Movement

The last few months of lockdown have given us all an opportunity to reflect.  One of the many interesting things I have noticed, is the importance many of us now place on getting regular exercise.  At the start of lockdown we were advised to get out once daily and that regular movement would help us through tough times.  It quickly became apparent that exercise has a positive impact on a number of different elements of our lives, yet it was a revelation to many that taking time to exercise can also be an investment in your performance at work.  

You have probably heard anecdotes about how exercise has helped us manage our mental and physical health.  In 2017, a neurologist Wendy Suzuki presented scientific evidence with a TED talk about “The Brain Changing benefits of Exercise” and highlighted both the immediate and long-term gains from exercise.  Her research showed that exercise fundamentally changes the structure of our brains.  After committing to a regular exercise programme and trying out a huge variety of classes, Wendy noticed that “after every sweat-inducing workout that I tried, I had this great mood boost and this great energy boost” and she noticed that this then impacted on her focus and productivity at work.  This led to her researching the brain changing effects of exercise in depth as she theorised that “maybe all that exercise that I had included and added to my life was changing my brain”.  

Wendy’s research showed that exercise not only has a mood boosting, energy giving effect in the short term, it also makes changes to the brain that keep it healthy and fighting fit later in life.  

She concluded:

1 – Exercise has an immediate effect on your brain.  Just one workout immediately increases levels of neurotransmitters that increase your mood.  Her research showed that this, in turn, improves our ability to focus.  This improvement can last for at least two hours.  

2 – Exercise has a transformative and protective effect on our brains for life. Our brains are all subject to degenerative diseases and, although there are never any guarantees, the stronger we can make our brains the more we can protect ourselves against degenerative neurological diseases and keep them functioning well and protecting us as we move in to later life.  

I love finding more reasons to keep moving our bodies, especially when backed up with science.  The fact that Wendy’s research shows the impact on our brains is both short term and long term, is an added bonus.  At times, we all struggle with the motivation to move, particularly if we only focus on the long-term benefits as they can see un achievable.  That is why it is wonderful that this research clearly demonstrates that exercise has an immediate effect too.  If there’s ever an argument for a brisk walk or run to power up before an important meeting, then this is it.  

How many times have you sat at your desk and felt tired and sluggish?  Perhaps re-reading the same point on a document over and over again, yawning and reaching for some sugar to wake you up.  Next time you are in this situation stand up and move.  You could take a march up and down nearby stairs or simply stay at your desk for 20 squats and 20 star jumps. 

If you can get a few short bursts of movement so that your energy and focus is balanced throughout the day, you will reap the rewards.  A 5 minute stretch in the morning, a 10 minute walk at lunchtime and a few moves at your desk to combat a mid-afternoon slump. Just do what you can, something is better than nothing. 

We don’t need over-complicate this or make things physically challenging, it’s just about raising the heart rate a little, moving the joints and waking up the muscles. 

A few things you could try are:

• Set an alarm on your phone and do squats and twists every time it goes off…you could even use this as a cue to play your favourite song and keep moving for the duration of it the track. 

• Have a walking meeting – this is such a win win, you get to be productive whilst also getting fresh air and movement.   

Moving across the day like this is not only good for your health but, as Wendy proved, it will also benefit your work and productivity. If you have a big meeting or a presentation moving just 5 minutes before will energise and focus you.   Give it a try.  You’ll notice the massive difference it makes.  

The key to building this into your day is to make it simple and short.  Remember, energise your body, wake up your mind and you will achieve great things.     

Carole Dowling is the Founder of The Enjoy Movement, a personal training and fitness business in Tunbridge Wells, Kent. Carole has 10+ years experience of working with women, breaking down barriers to exercise that have been created over lifetimes. Her mission is to positively encourage ‘exercise haters’ to enjoy and embrace moving their bodies for life and to celebrate all the wonderful physical and mental benefits that brings.

www.theenjoymovement.co.uk

Source: Wendy Suzuki – The Brain-Changing Benefits of Exercise (TEDWomen 2017)

How to create more focus and get stuff done

In my Overcome Overwhelm workshop there is a session on getting real about the way we use time. We all have the same 24 hours in a day and yet there are some people who appear to have more by the amount of stuff they get done!

It’s time to face up to the way YOU choose to use your time and if you can be completely honest about it then this my friends will gift you all the good stuff. 

Because more than ever we live in a world where we are encouraged to be ever-stressed and busy. A world where we put our focus and energy into the stuff that appears urgent - either to us or others - rather than what is important. 

This is the Eisenhower Matrix. It is a way of looking at time in 4 categories and it’s as useful in every day life as it is in the boardroom. 

THE EISENHOWER MATRIX

I wonder what percentage of time you spend in each quadrant?

Important urgent stuff could be an emergency work meeting, taking your child to the doctor. But often it is self-created urgency…the race to the post office to post a parcel that should have gone last week, the last minute dash for school shoes. 

Not important but urgent stuff is usually interruptions - things that are important to others and need doing now. Those WhatsApp messages pinging in for example…

Not important, not urgent things are distractions. Faffing, falling down the social media rabbit hole…..

And then there is the important stuff. The rich productive time. Hanging out with loved ones, moving your body, reading a book, working on your business, cooking gorgeous meals, enjoying nature, resting. 

I ask clients to look at the percentage of time they spend in each quadrant. The answers sometimes shocks them - up to 80% in the urgent space sometimes. That’s a very stressful way to live. And it doesn’t have to be that way - it’s your choice. There will always be things that are both important and urgent but we can reduce the percentage of time spent here massively by seeing how much is actually self-created.

The good news is that by getting real with how you spend your time you can put strategies in place and take the action needed to shift the use of time to where you want it (hint…..top right!)

Then YOU can be one of those people who seems to have more time for all the good stuff. 

What is fascinating is how lockdown shifted behaviours positively. Notice how much more time you have spent in the top right corner. And notice what happened to getting out and moving when it became both urgent and important because it was the only time you could leave the house each day. Funny how it suddenly became a priority.

So quieten the excuses, be honest with yourself, make a plan and I promise you it will transform your use of time for the better. Here’s the steps to take:

1. Draw out the matrix. In each quadrant braindump all the things you spend time doing in each category. Be as honest as you can.

2. Now put a percentage in each box - how much time roughly do you spend in an average day in each area. You may wish to use ‘normal’ life if things have drastically changed for you right now but either is useful

3. How does that feel? What do you notice? How does that stack up against how much time you feel you have for the stuff that really matters to you, the important stuff?

4. Now look at each quadrant in turn. Notice what specific examples you wrote down. Which of these things can you control/change? What strategies might you use? Perhaps you could start planning out cards/presents for birthdays earlier with phone reminders so they never became urgent? Perhaps you need to mute WhatsApp notifications? Perhaps you want to schedule all the important stuff and commit to those times in the same way you would your boss. Perhaps you need to have a set time for social media. There are endless ways we can intentionally take charge of our time - I wonder what you’ll come up with.

5. Start small by implementing one or two strategies per quadrant and see how that feels and what changes. Even by now being more aware of where your time is spent and what interrupts and distracts you things should change as you have engaged your conscious brain so it’s already working on the problem for you.

And if this is something you really struggle with then come and do the Overcome Overwhelm workshop and take control of your time, mindset and life again! Get real, get results!

4 mindset shifts to help you on your business journey

I was recently asked to join the brilliant Vicki Weinberg on her podcast aimed at those looking to launch a product based business. In this episode we explore the biggest obstacles that Vicki comes across in her consultancy work and I offer strategies to get out of your own way and move forward. In fact, these blocks probably apply to most small businesses at some point so check out the blog post here or listen to the full podcast - let me know how you get on!

An Open Letter.

How quickly the world has turned on its axis. Or perhaps more accurately ground to a halt. I hope you are all safe and well as you come to terms with what is happening around us, take stock and process it all. 

I’m not afraid to admit to share that I cried a small river the other evening as the frustration spilled out. Frustration felt by so many self-employed who have worked so hard to build their business and now face extraordinary times through no fault of our own. But I let it out in the knowledge that this is all a part of the process. 

I’ve been saying to clients that it can be helpful to recognise where we are on perhaps the biggest change curve many of us will have ever been on. It’s used for all sorts of change from loss/grief to organisational change and you’ll probably recognise the stages through your own experiences but I thought I’d share in case it was helpful to you too.

The first stage is shock and denial. This is the most short-lived stage and is where we cannot quite digest what is happening and the impact it will have. Our defence mechanisms kick in and we take time to absorb and process the information. We can get brain fog and feel unable to think or act clearly. Our thoughts cling to the past and how things used to be.

The second stage is anger. As the gravity of the situation settles in and reality becomes clearer we can become afraid of what lies ahead and feel very out of our comfort zone. We look for someone or something to blame and this anger can be manifested in many ways. While some take out the anger on themselves, others may direct it towards others around them. This too is a that this is just a natural reaction and with time, it shall pass away and make way for acceptance.

At stage three it is about bargaining. We understand the changes now and we work to try and find the best possible scenario for us to fit in and adapt in order to make the change work for us. We look for the best in the situation and we seek to minimise the impact on ourselves and find through compromise a better outcome.

Stage four is referred to as depression. Not clinically but having to adapt can result in low energy as things feel hard and sometimes a little hopeless. It may be hard to feel motivated or excited. We realise there is no way out of the situation and or easy fix and it can make you feel like giving up.

And finally we reach stage five - acceptance. When we realise that fighting the change that is happening is not going to make the challenge or sadness go away, we resign to the situation and accept it completely. It might not be a fully joyous moment but by not resisting change anymore we create energy and headspace for action. This is when we feel able to be more creative, try new things, spot other opportunities and generally exercise optimism more. There is some peace and we feel prepared for whatever has to follow next. We are able to think more clearly, make decisions and see a glimpse of an OK future, albeit different from before. 

I wonder where you are right now? For everyone travels this curve at different rates and will loop back through other stages many times. I am in this pool of change with you right now and it feels like a long way to go yet but we will all make it to the side, to acceptance and beyond. 

You are all in my thoughts right now and if anyone feels really stuck or lost, either from a business or mindset perspective then please get in touch. We are all in this together and I am happy to chat to anyone who needs support, anytime. I’ll also be sharing strategies and thoughts that I think might help us all from time to time on Instagram and Facebook but I am conscious not to add to what already feels like overwhelm right now.

Stay safe, sane and know that this moment in time is not forever (even if a week does feel like a year currently!)

Emma x

The great divide

There is perhaps much to be surprised about right now. The speed at which the world is changing before our eyes, the uncertainty that creates, the momentum this virus has and all that means for the vulnerable and the poor, heroic health service. 

But perhaps nothing has been more surprising to me than witnessing two very different types of human behaviour in response. 

My heart has been lifted and filled to bursting with the acts of true kindness and community spirit that this situation has inspired.

• The street WhatsApp that means no-one feels cut off or isolated and can get hold of whatever they might need from the safety of home.

• The mum who offered her business post account as a way to get provisions to the father of another mum who is struggling on his own in London.

• The group set up to match help with need all over the town and surrounding villages.

• The two women who have gifted coaching sessions to friends

• The local businesses who are adapting and working so hard to supply what everyone needs and safely.

• The friend who put extra work my way to help with the bills

• The friend who delivered gifts to my doorstep this morning to let me know we may be distant socially but not in any other way.

• The virtual coffee with friends to chat and support each others mental health.

• The initiative taken by a mum to offer our support to NHS workers via the hospital so we can drop off provisions for them meaning they don’t have to worry about food after an impossibly hard shift.

• The incredible way that school has kept our children both safe and grounded - fuelling amazing discussions and keeping fear and panic at bay.

Consideration, care and a sense that we are all important, that this is about the greater good and if we stick together (not literally….that is NOT allowed right now) that we will all get this through this together. A bit battered and bruised but here none the less. 

And yet this morning I sat and cried after watching a BBC video of a nurse left devastated after a punishing shift ended and she was unable to get any basic provisions to feed herself.

For every person who has opened their hearts to others it seems there is one who has done the opposite. Who has closed their heart, locking inside any generosity or community spirit they may have once had. Who has made this about them and not about us as a society.

Stock-piling basics, ignoring social distancing guidelines, profiteering, thinking they have it worse than anyone else, complaining about the decisions being made at the top. Wholly missing the point that we need each other to survive this and then thrive again. 

It seems that when under threat, when stripped bare of normality, routine and comfort we show our true colours. So I’m sticking with my tribe, the kind-hearted, generous, compassionate, creative rainbows in all their technicolour glory. And leaving those in behavioural darkness to hopefully realise the error of their ways, before it is too late. 

What can you do to help your business ride the coronavirus storm?

We’re in the midst of a large rolling change wave, and no-one knows when or how the wave is going to break. So I've been thinking how I can best help people swim not sink.

Lots of clients have been asking for support to help them think differently in the short term and to get creative about what their options are, exercising that powerful thing called optimism.

I've decided to launch a mini life-boat series of coaching tools to help anyone that wants it and I've deliberately priced these at a hugely reduced price because we are all in the same choppy sea right now.

You can choose from two session lengths. Both will look at where your business challenges are in the current climate and the options you have to ride it out. We will challenge, get creative and importantly create an intentional action plan for you to work on.

Let's move from victim mode "there's nothing I can do" to survival mode "here is everything I can do"

All sessions will be held in my online meeting room.

POWER SESSION (£25) 30 min business brainstorm and strategy session

SUPERPOWER SESSION (£50) 60 min in-depth business strategy planning session

There is so much we can't control right now but when things go wrong we have a choice not to go with them. Let's think differently, get creative, spread calm and support each other. Places are limited and you can book directly here

““Emma’s strategy session came at just the right time as I was in a bit of a quandary as to how to proceed in these uncertain times. I told Emma my idea which had been niggling at me as I knew it wasn’t quite right. Emma immediately flipped it on its head and reframed the idea to such a point that it felt good and right and I was actually excited about deploying it.

We also touched on other areas of my business and how I could capitalise on what I do and what people need. We tried to look into the future too which was a really useful exercise.

I left the session feeling energised, with purpose and a happy feeling of doing the right thing.”
”

Are you looking for a work life balance?

Then stop.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Work Life Balance. A concept that many of us seem to be chasing and yet few feel they manage to achieve. A concept that is also so closely aligned to flexible working. As I reflect over the many clients that have come struggling with the issue of balance I notice that many of them deemed it a myth. That after years of struggling to achieve it they simply believed that it did not exist. A theory which I challenged with each of them. Because I believe that we have simply been looking in the wrong places and for the wrong thing.

Work life balance

The term itself is hugely misleading.

First of all it bemuses me that we can distinguish work from life? That we can see it as separate. Surely we are all building and living lives and a part of this rich, colourful, crazy rollercoaster ride are our work choices. To suggest even for one moment that work is not a part of life, of living, is part of the problem. It starts to set markers in our brains perhaps that whilst we are working we are not living. That we are missing out. That we need to get back to the real stuff. That we should be somewhere else. When actually we can meet wonderful people, experience things that excite and stretch us and feel accomplishment, pride and a sense of purpose if we make the right choices.

The second deception is the notion of balance. A word that conjures up thoughts of equilibrium, of fairness, of equal amounts. Perhaps our subconscious mind sees a seesaw or weighing scales, perfectly balanced with equal amounts of work stuff on one side and life stuff on the other. Or perhaps we see very separate buckets of tasks and experiences that never mix or run into each other, perfectly contained. No wonder we feel so far away from this utopia when we compare it to real life. And yet if we change the language a little and tweak the mental imagery then we can quite quickly feel differently about what we are already achieving.

Blending

Because surely this is not about balance. It is about integrating all the different aspects of our life. Blending the parts in a way that serves us. Being agile with our time so that we give and get the best out of it whether we are at home or in a workplace. 

For me this concept of blending does three things. 

It accepts that there will be movement. That sometimes work will need more of our time and other times family or friends will and that is natural. That we can adapt to these peaks and troughs without feeling guilty or as if we are failing because they are not equal. 

It allows us to stop compartmentalising and gives us permission to see the whole picture. To blur the edges between our different roles in order to make the best of the time we have. All too often we see shaming of the parent standing in the park on their phone whilst their child plays. But if they are able to be in the park enjoying time together, or make the school sports day, rather than tied up in a meeting ’til 6pm then is that 10 minute call not a great example of blending?

Stop compartmentalising

Personally, I choose to work whilst I’m at the hairdressers. If I apply the old thinking of work life balance then I could argue that not being able to just have that as me time is work getting in the way of life. But when I think of it as blending, there is no compromise, just a great way to satisfy two parts of my life together – win win! And if you don’t like this term then Jeff Bezos has another option for you. He refers to work-life harmony saying “I prefer the word ‘harmony’ to the word ‘balance’ because balance tends to imply a strict tradeoff.”

I also remind clients that at the end of the day this all comes down to choices. What we are looking to achieve (inherent in the original term) is a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment in our lives. A sense that we have used our time well and that we have prioritised the people and things that are important to us. Many of us can be blinkered when it comes to recognising the choices that we are already making. How often I hear a client bemoan the fact that evenings are spent on the laptop forgetting the choice they made to be there for after school time with the kids. If both working and that family time are important then they have blended beautifully and used their time cleverly. The fall-guy becomes the evening you didn’t get watching TV on the sofa. Back to choices. What do you want and how can you use your time to get it?

Things to check

If you’re reading this and still not feeling that you’re close to where you want to be then its worth a quick check in on the following:

• Have you actually identified how you want to be spending your time, intentionally and on purpose? Doing this allows you to start making more conscious choices and creating boundaries. Plus if you know what you are striving for then you’ll know when you achieve it!

• Are you using the time you do have wisely or are you getting distracted (social media rabbit hole anyone?!) or interrupted (WhatsApps and emails are a killer for this). Being honest about the focus you apply to different pockets of time can gain you masses back to play with

• How much of your guilt or dissatisfaction comes from the stories your inner voice is telling you? Do you need to change the self-talk and give yourself a break?

• How good are you at saying no? Each of us have 24 hours in a day. The people who seem to have it nailed are usually the ones who have worked out that every time you say yes to someone else you are essentially saying no to yourself so be purposeful about where you commit your time 

• Have you accepted life is chaotic, messy, inconsiderate, unpredictable and demanding much of the time. Or are you still waiting for it all calm down to be happy? Embracing the crazy is a huge step towards the inner calm we ultimately seek 

And finally, as you continue the wonderful juggle that we call life, I want to leave you with one of my favourite concepts, courtesy of Gary Keller

Work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls – family, health, friends, integrity – are made of glass. If you drop one of these it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered”

So there we go, back to not all things being equal again. 

Happy blending – it really is possible.

Emma xx

Time Management Made Easy

How to ditch the to-do list and start Action Planning

Life is hectic. There are many demands and we all wear different hats. I work with many clients who describe the mental overwhelm they feel trying to juggle everything. 

I designed the Action Planning system to solve the most common pitfalls I see:

• Never-ending to-do lists with no prioritisation or time allocation

• Different systems being used for home/family/work tasks 

• Overestimating what can be done in a day and underestimating what can be done in a week

• Not chunking things down into achievable tasks 

• A reliance on digital scheduling/reminders 

• No real sense of how much or little time is actually being used 

Why Action Planning works:

• It creates a realistic plan for the week that takes into account all of your ‘hats’ and commitments

• It is a firm plan of action that flexes with (real!) life 

• It is super simple and you only need a pen and paper (or the action planning pad which you’ll find on the shop page)

We all have a list. Whether mental or written down there will be a myriad of tasks that span home life, family, business and self. They will range from the every day little things like posting birthday cards, invoicing, remembering PE kit and booking dentist to the bigger plans like building a website, decorating the house or writing a book. And most of us find ourselves getting on with all the small stuff and continuously adding to the big stuff. We often compartmentalise our lives too and so might have different calendars or systems for the different parts of our life and yet our time is common to all these areas and so it is helpful to view it more holistically.

Create a master list

Ultimately I want you to ditch the to-do list and embrace the action plan but a master list is still important.

Keep a record of all the stuff you want to get done in whatever form is helpful to you - on your phone, in a notebook, or my favourite, using post its on a wall. 

Ideally write things down under the month you would like to start or accomplish them - have headers for the next 3 months and then a future header for stuff further out than this. Capture everything as it pops into your head so that you know you have acknowledged that it needs to happen but that you’re not carrying it around in your mental to do list. This is a HUGE contribution to overwhelm. It’s safely logged now, you won’t forget it and you don’t have to lug it around with you.

Action Planning starts on a Friday 

Now we can focus on action. On what we are going to DO this coming week. A combination of what we have to do and what we want to do. 

So I do this on a Friday.

For two reasons really:

1) It gets everything out of my head and planned before the weekend starts is I can then enjoy the weekend with a clear head, even if there are work bits planned in it 

2) I can start the week knowing exactly where I am and what is coming at me. No Sunday night dread and I’m straight out of the blocks with a coffee on Monday 

Action Planning in easy steps 

Look at what you have on next week commitment wise. Everything. Clients, meetings, health appointments, after school clubs, exercise classes. Anything that requires you to be somewhere/do something on a named day and time. Draw a line out from the day this is happening on and write the activity down. Do any of these commitments need any prep on an earlier day or a follow up afterwards? If so, write that action down on the relevant day too.

Now look ahead to the following week. What’s coming up? Anything next week that needs some thought or action to happen this week? Choose which day this week makes sense to do that on and pop it down.

Now think about all the other things that you want or need to do this week. Use your master list as a prompt too. What did you want to stop thinking about and start actioning? What are the specific actions you could bring into this week? Find a space for them. Which days have time and space left for a chunkier action. Which days could you fit a couple of quick actions on to? 

Take a look at your week now. You’ve got all the must do’s on it. And you’ve added the stuff you ‘d like to do. Is the balance right? Have you remembered the non-urgent but important stuff on there too? Like exercise or meeting a friend or planning an early night? 

At the side of your planner there is also space to note anything that springs to mind for next week so that it doesn’t get in the way of your action plan but is close to hand and can be used on Friday when you plan next week

Once you’ve got it all down (and it should feel great that there is an intentional time and a place for all the actions you want to achieve next week) you will be able to see your week at a glance. 

Some guiding principles

Each day you can now get on with what needs to happen BUT with the following principles to guide you:

• If you don’t get everything done on the day you said you wanted to don’t panic. Life happens. This is a flexible plan. Leave the action there - you still have all the other days left, you will find time for it. 

• If you finish everything you had planned for the day and have some time and energy left then this is an awesome time to get ahead of yourself - have a look over the upcoming days - what takes your fancy to do right now? Instant smug club when you’ve crossed off a Friday action on a Monday!

• Tune in to yourself. You are in charge here. If you had scheduled tax return for Weds and have a headache and tired after a bad night with the kids then what can you swap it for? What could you face today? This is about the whole week and flexing with circumstances and ourselves.

• If new demands on your time come in look at the week and what is there already. Can you accommodate it? Will it impact anything else? Or is this a time when you need to confidently say no (power of no). Remember that saying yes to other people is saying no to yourself. 

• Nothing should be carried over to next week if this system is used well (unforeseen circumstances aside) - if is is then perhaps being too ambitious with what you can achieve or not chunking down enough

• Be realistic about the time you have - if you have half a day at sports day then don’t try to cram a full days worth of work into this. On the flip side if you have a meeting in London and 2 hours travel time don’t write off half a day as you can use the travel time to get stuff done too if you need it. 

Enjoy the sense of control and calm action planning can bring to your life. I hope you enjoy it and I’d love to hear how you get on so don’t be a stranger ;-)

PS You may be interested in listening to this podcast on Action Planning too http://prosperitykitchenpodcast.libsyn.com/202_pk_202___-to-do-list-mini-series-method-2-emma-jefferys

A personal development tool with a difference

Lessons from a letter to myself

I have absolutely no idea what day of the week it is.

But I do know that a new year is dawning, and more poignant than that, a new decade is fast approaching.

I have a simple New Years Eve tradition of writing a letter to myself. Sitting down and writing to myself as if I had already lived the year to come. Capturing all the things I have achieved and experienced through my mind’s eye. It is a hugely powerful exercise, setting intentions and markers for the year to come.

In the last coaching circle of the year we did this exercise and I opened my letter from 31st December 2018. I felt a sense of both anticipation and trepidation as I unfolded the paper and read over what I had imagined. In the past I have mainly felt proud and happy that so many things I had set intentions for had happened.  But this year was different. Those emotions were quickly followed by waves of others….not all comfortable. I felt disappointment, frustration, pride, happiness, guilt and surprise in a very short space of time and had to put the letter down. But emotions are crucial data and we should ignore them at our peril. So, later, after the circle I reflected on the messages these feelings were sending and what they meant going forward and it turns out this exercise was indeed as powerful as ever. Indulge me as I now use this blog as an opportunity to share what I consider useful lessons as we hurtle into 2020.

Lesson One: Celebrate all that you have achieved rather than what you have not (yet)

My eyes raced across the words on the page instinctively looking for the things that I’d set out to achieve and hadn’t. When I found the first one I started to mentally berate myself in a particularly detrimental and unkind way. And like the helpful puppy it is trained to be, my brain went the rest of the way through the letter seeking nuggets of evidence to further support this case. In doing this of course it raced past all of the good stuff I had done over the year. All of the successes, wins and comfort-zone-expanding moments were there in black and white, desperate to be noticed and acknowledged to no avail. So today, as you think back over the last 12 months, make a note (ideally on paper) of all the things you have done, experienced and achieved this year. Big and small. Take a moment to celebrate each and every one of them. Marvel over the things you intended to happen and the twists and turns that came your way. Be proud of those moments that felt so hard when you were in them and yet you persevered. Notice the people in your life and what you have given each other. Remember all that you have been as well as all that you have done. And celebrate all of it. It may not be all you wished to achieved but there is time for all that to come. Change the story through the simple addition of the word ‘yet’.

Lesson Two: Goals should be set from the heart not the ego 

When reflecting on the things I felt disappointed I hadn’t achieved I noticed a common theme. Two of the three things were not really things I care about. They were ego goals set from a place of comparing myself to others and borrowing from a definition of success that is not authentically mine. One of these was that I named a specific number of Instagram followers I would have by now. I am nowhere near. There are at least two reasons for this (the next being that I might not be particularly interesting to many!). The first is that it is genuinely not important to me. I do not measure my personal or professional success by my social media following or how many people like my content. And so when I looked back through the year using the lens that really does matter to me, that of how many people I have helped, I felt a warm buzz of satisfaction. Positive reviews and stories of much wanted change happening fuel my professional ambition, not a popularity contest. I also noted that because it doesn’t really matter to me I hadn’t spent the time on it. I know all the theory but had not put it into practice or been at all consistent in my behaviour. If you don’t do the work you can’t expect the results and it’s hard to do the work if ultimately you’re not bothered about the outcome. So this year I will be focusing on the tangible difference I can make and if social media can form an authentic metric against that then great, if not it will stay in the background as a way to stay connected to people that inspire me and as an outlet for my musings. All good. 

Lesson Three: Flexibility is not a weakness

One of the wonderful things about being human is we have the ability to change. Our thoughts, our behaviours, our actions…all changeable at our will. So it’s OK if things we once wanted we no longer find desirable. It’s OK if different opportunities came along that caught our eye and we decided to pursue those instead. It’s OK if we didn’t have the energy right now and decided to slow down or prioritise self care. It’s OK if life happened and we had to rethink things for now. It’s all OK. What is not OK is thinking that life is rigid, goals are set in stone and there is only one path and timetable. That is a sure route to stress, frustration and disappointment. As the saying goes we may not always be able to predict or control the headwinds but we can adjust our sails.

Lesson Four: Recognise when you need to get out of your own way 

Sometimes life gets in the way. And sometimes excuses do. Excuses used to detract from the real blockage. Ourselves. We can be our own best friend and our worst enemy all at the same time. And it can be hard to admit when we are the only reason things aren’t happening or moving forward. But this uncomfortable feeling is temporary for once we have named it we can move ourselves out of our own way. Thanks to this letter I have identified two very real mindset blocks that are holding me back. I can see the ripple effect of two beliefs and all of the stories they are fuelling and action (and inaction) they are inspiring. In that knowledge lies power - as I can now do something about them and stop self-sabotaging. I wonder if there are any beliefs holding you back? Try writing down something that you haven’t made happen yet but would like to. Now try completing this sentence as many times as you feel able to “I haven’t <insert goal> yet because”. Time for an honesty check. How many of these are valid reasons? How many of these are excuses? How many of these are stories you’ve just made up? What could you decide to do about it, right now?

Lesson Five: Live life on purpose 

So it turned out that two of the things that have fallen by the wayside weren’t actually important to me. But one was. And whilst I love intention setting and will continue to do it, a lesson for me is also that if something really matters then don’t leave it to chance. Life is hectic, noisy, busy and full of demands from all directions. It is clear to me that in all this happy chaos I simply forgot that this was a priority. I forgot to channel energy that way. So define what really matters to you for 2020 (a few key things - let’s not start the year overwhelmed), make sure these are represented visually somewhere (notes on your phone, vision board, post it on your mirror, laptop or car visor, object on your desk, screensaver are all great ideas from my clients) and do stuff on purpose to make it happen. We all have limited resources when it comes to time, energy, money and motivation so lets use them wisely and intentionally. They are easy to fritter yet too valuable to waste.

Lesson Six: None of this is a race 

My grandmother left me some wonderful books. One of them is called Being and Doing. It was published in 1923 as a ‘collection of helpful daily thoughts’. I turned to my birthday and read the following two quotes

“Do not hope you are to gain the victory in a day. It may take months, it may take years. Inch by inch and step by step the battle must be fought. Over and over again you will be worsted and give ground but do not therefore yield. Resolve never to be driven back quite so far as you have advanced.” Whyte-Melville

“Did you ever hear of a man who had striven all his life faithfully and singly toward an object and in no measure obtained it? If a man constantly aspires is he not elevated? Did ever a man try heroism, magnanimity, truth, sincerity, and find that there was was no advantage in them, that it was a vain endeavour?” Thoreau

I was very close to my Granny and perhaps this felt to me like a very well-timed message from her. A reminder that life is not a race. That if we want achieve things then we will in time, whatever the odds, if we keep advancing towards them and do not give up. And a reminder that how we choose to live our lives, the values that we uphold, the behaviours that we demonstrate, the aspirations that we have are all as important (if not more so) as specific accomplishments. Perhaps we just need to stop racing towards things and start enjoying the day to day reality of living this precious gift called life. 

Happy New Year to you and yours with huge thanks for all of your support. 

Bring on 2020.

Grief and Growth

A Summer of Growth

I was reflecting on the last 7 weeks, on the long stretch of summer holidays. Thinking about everything that has happened and it struck me that it has been another period of personal growth. That an awful lot of learning and expansion took place over a very short space of time. 

First there was academic learning and achievement. 

I embarked on studying for a new qualification earlier this year and was thrilled to hear last week that I had passed it and become certified. The area of expertise is Emotional Intelligence and I am very excited to be introducing even more of this work into my coaching practice. Much more coming from me on the fascinating topic of EQ shortly. 

Then there was going beyond my natural comfort zone.

I’m not sure I’ve been interviewed for over 15 years! So to be  invited to be interviewed for an expert opinion by a journalist from The Guardian AND to then be asked to interview for a freelance coach position for an amazing organisation was a little daunting. The first interview saw me hiding from the children in a dear friend’s bedroom whilst the second was held over a pretty sketchy internet connection whilst on holiday in Cornwall. Neither situation ideal but that is life and I am happy to report that the outcomes for both were better than expected :-)

The summer juggle also taught me more about flexibility, about letting go, about making good choices and prioritising. It taught me to be in the moment and enjoy the play when it is playtime and get stuck into the work at work time. It reminded me about boundaries and focus. 

And finally the summer was a period of huge loss. For my family and for close friends. From seemingly nowhere came waves of devastating news and yet from this grief also comes growth. I am taught to live life now, not wait for a future that I may not even have. To stop worrying about the small stuff that doesn’t matter. To notice what is going on for those I love and care about. To create time to be there for them. To tell them I love them. To live life with no regrets.  To look after my mental health as much as my physical health. To know when to ask for help, when I can’t do it all alone. To appreciate all that this life gives me. Every single day.

In every experience there is a chance to grow, to learn, to move forward. It has definitely been a summer of huge growth.